They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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