So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
