i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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