so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
