This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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