i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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