I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
