Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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