woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
