Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize