Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
