I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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