No awkward lesbian experiences without me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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