i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
