we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
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sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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