I wish I only lived at night.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
