I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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