yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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