There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
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YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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