sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
