Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
