I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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