mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
