My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
