happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
