I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
