i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
