you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
