You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
