I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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