I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
