I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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