Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
