We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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