You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
