i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
