No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
