everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I believe in your delicious
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
