I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
