my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize