She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
