I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I could make wine with my vomit
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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