Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
