I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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