I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
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just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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