Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
