phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
