he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
