you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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