Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
