Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize