Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
