He disabled his match.com account in front of me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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