So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
