dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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