you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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