Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
