I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room