Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
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sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome