Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
